5 Mistakes to avoid when healing porn addiction
While researching Google keywords I stumbled on a list of ‘Five effective strategies to overcome porn addiction’. These strategies are mostly based on false, wish-fulfilment ideas about the mechanics of porn addiction. This led me to compile my own list of five mistakes to avoid when healing porn addiction.
1. Eliminate access to pornography
This is an ancient staple of the ‘stop porn’ movement, a hangover from the 12-step Alcoholics Anonymous programmes that formed the basis of the first porn therapies.
Today’s reality is that if you have access to a computer—and virtually everyone has a smartphone—then you cannot eliminate access to porn. It will get flung in your face.
The second reason this is a mistake is that by eliminating the porn you’re eliminating the symptoms. If you went to a doctor and they said, “I don’t need to know your symptoms, just stop breathing and the illness will pass,” you would want them struck off.
The symptoms of your illness do not lie in the fact that you consume porn. They lie in the specifics of the porn that you consume.
Stop attempting the impossible and start questioning why you’re attracted to specific porn images.
2. Assume the moral low ground
One of the biggest mistakes in healing porn addiction is unconsciously assuming the moral low ground and beating ourselves up.
Our society has a default belief, particularly around heterosexual relationships, that the woman is a Madonna figure while the man is a dirty dog for watching porn. She feels betrayed by his habit while he feels ashamed and guilty.
Unconsciously, she occupies the moral high ground while he inhabits the swamp.
There’s a fundamental principle in life: like attracts like.
If one partner in a relationship is addicted to porn, you can guarantee the other partner has their own sexual issues. They may be repressed, but they must exist.
Recognise your addiction as something damaged surfacing for healing, not as a fundamental character flaw. Easier said than done, but you are not alone.
3. Develop ‘healthy’ coping mechanisms
This is from the list I mentioned earlier, except that I’ve added quote marks around the word healthy. The idea is that you find a hobby to occupy you when you’d rather be watching porn.
The first issue here is you’re dodging the problem.
The second is that coping mechanisms are never healthy. That’s a contradiction in terms. A coping mechanism is always an unhealthy reaction to an issue that’s being avoided.
Stop ‘beating around the bush’ (a particularly apt phrase with porn addiction). Tackle the issue at its source.
4. Seek inexperienced help
Porn addicts are often recommended to seek professional help. The mistake is to equate ‘professional’ with ‘experienced’. Professionals may be qualified therapists, but the psychological model doesn’t fully understand the mechanics of porn. Only personal experience can teach that.
If you feel therapy is the right choice for you, ask the therapist whether they’ve had any personal issues with porn and how that played out.
There are also people who have successfully stopped watching porn who offer products and services. Which leads to the last of the porn addiction mistakes…
5. Equate stopping porn with healing porn
Perhaps the biggest mistake is equating stopping porn with healing porn.
I’ve seen people on porn addiction forums posting every day about how many consecutive days they’ve been ‘free’ of porn. The fact that they’re posting every day tells you they’re anything but free.
They’re the porn equivalents of the ‘dry drunk’, the non-drinking alcoholic still ruled by the demons that drove them to drink—or to porn.
They’re setting themselves up for failure. They haven’t healed the underlying wound. It’s still poisoned, and chances are one day it’ll erupt into the open and they’ll binge.
The crash, guilt, and shame will be heavy. Stopping porn does not mean healing porn.
Be aware of the difference between symptom management and root cause resolution. If you’re ready for the latter, check out my online course, Exxxit Strategy.
