3 Principles of empowered communication

By its very nature, trauma is a place of disempowerment, a state of less-than, a psychological prison where we find it hard to make ourselves heard. As we shed trauma, we must learn the tricks of empoweredcommunication.

What is empowered communication?

Empowered communication is a way of communicating that recognises the sovereignty of all parties, while recognising the differing levels of emotional intelligence of those parties.

Empowered communication does not permit emotionally unconscious strategies like bullying or stonewalling to dictate conversations or their outcomes.

Here are three simple principles.

1. Don’t explain

As much as possible, don’t explain what you’re doing or, particularly, why you’re doing it.

The need for explanation stems from a need for validation. As we release trauma, we shift from seeking external validation to experiencing internal (self-) validation.

Explaining puts you on the lower rung of a hierarchy relative to those you’re explaining yourself too, as if their opinion counts more than yours—pure disempowerment.

Explaining creates an opportunity for others to doubt, denigrate, or veto your plans.

If you tell someone you’re going to take an action and they oppose it, you’re left with two options: either you take action and place yourself in opposition to the other person, or you don’t take action and place yourself in subservience to them.

Coming from a place of trauma and anxiety, it takes very little doubt to induce paralysis and inaction. By simply taking action, you strengthen your own sovereignty. This is more important than the quality of your decisions. Like anything, decision-making improves with practice.

Give others the minimum amount of information. The less they know, the more they’ll fill in the blanks with their own fears, phobias, and prejudices—and the more powerful (i.e., empowered) you will seem.

2. Enforce agency

I define ‘agency’ as the ability to express sovereignty in whatever way is appropriate.

Trauma—and the paralysis it induces—removes agency. Restoring it is one of the important but hardest tasks of trauma recovery.

The trick is to fight everybody’s corner, even those who obstruct or oppose you. Respect their agency even if they don’t respect yours. Don’t take it personally; they’re just acting unconsciously.

In a dysfunctional family or organisation, some people may be used to pushing you around or ignoring you. They assume their agency trumps yours.

Recognise who these people are. Don’t be vindictive, just leave them behind. Make decisions that move you forward. Sideline people who oppose or obstruct you. Be prepared to walk away from untenable situations that separate you from empowered agency.

Communicate respectfully, act uncompromisingly.

3. Disallow inertia

When dealing with recalcitrant colleagues or family member, one of the tactics they will often employ is to ignore communications—particularly if they involve you reclaiming your agency and becoming harder to push around.

Structure your communications to make it clear what will happen if they choose the ‘do nothing’ option, and when it will happen by. Compose messages that assume a lack of response. If possible, avoid asking questions or handing decision-making to them.

Empowered communications reinforce agency, clarity, and consistency.

And remember, at all times, to follow the maxim Do what you say, say what you do.

Photo by Hugo Jehanne on Unsplash